How To

Apologize

The meeting had begun ten minutes earlier. Suddenly the door flung open and a harried figure burst into the room, looking for a vacant spot while mumbling, "Sorry I'm late…" General fumbling ensued as an ill-fitting chair was squeezed into place at an already crowded table. The latecomer's coat was tossed on to a credenza and a mess of papers was removed from a file folder. A cell phone dropped onto the table and skittered across it, then quite coincidentally began to vibrate, shaking spasmodically. There were quick introductions around the room, with one or two repeated – "Sorry, I didn't get that…" Then the meeting continued, with all eyes doing their best to ignore the latecomer and proceed with the business of the day.

No one ever chastises the latecomer. The brief "sorry" is usually sufficient to placate those who are interrupted. But what does "sorry" really mean? Is this a genuine expression of sorrow, or just a conversational tidbit, somewhere on a level of engagement between the fairly banal "How are you?" and the slightly less meaningful "Have a nice day?"

When latecomers confess, "Sorry, I'm late," they are acknowledging that they knew when the meeting was to start and that they should have been on time. That's about it. Other than that, their concern for decorum ranks on a par with their concern for the style of newsprint at the bottom of their budgie's birdcage. Often a latecomer might offer, "The traffic was
horrible." This adds little since in most cities, the traffic is always horrible. On the other hand, "Sorry I'm late, my wife just gave birth," is at the other end of the acceptable-excuse scale.

Putting aside the question of whether meeting attendees could better prepare themselves for life's inevitable exigencies, the subject of apologies is worth exploring.

Often, public figures are involved with incidents where harm has occurred. Wanting to do some good, they call a press conference, surround themselves with steely-eyed lawyers, get introduced by an obsequious public relations expert and pronounce, "I regret that some people may have been upset." This is a euphemism for, "I haven't the faintest idea why you are upset, but if it makes you feel better, I will briefly lower myself from my lofty pedestal to show some sort of muted empathy."

This is not an apology. It is a sound bite. A genuine apology ought to meet certain conditions. Perhaps no one expects a thorough explanation for lateness. But sometimes a heartfelt apology for more serious situations is warranted.

1. First, the apology needs to be directed towards the person or group who was hurt. Ideally, you should look someone directly in the eye. This is the richest form of communication. From there, in roughly descending order would be a video connection, a telephone call, a hand-written letter, and an email. At the bottom end, text messaging falls on the effectiveness scale somewhere in the general domain of smoke signals.

2. The apology should express remorse. When someone feels aggrieved, they want the guilty party to share their pain. Insensitive organizations send too many letters starting with "We regret to inform you that we are required to adjust our price schedule…" There is probably next to no regret in that phrase. More likely glee. Similarly, there is little real compassion from the store clerk or call center rep who claims, "I'm sorry, we are unable to refund your money. " In a fit of retribution, fed-up customers might reply with their own sorrow at how crummy the clerk's job is. The clerks are not really sorry. They are just following a script – one that unfortunately allows for no real empathy.

3. The apology should accept personal responsibility. For example; "We did not anticipate the problem," or "I didn't let you know I would be late," achieves this. But being caught in flagrante delicto and claiming, "This isn't what it looks like," is not an apology, it is grounds for divorce.
   
   It cannot be someone else's fault. You must show that it was yours. If you say, "I am very sorry that you got upset. You didn't understand what I said," you shift the blame rather than admitting culpability. It was your fault, not theirs.
   
   It is a different matter entirely to say, "I am sorry that your mother died." This is a genuine expression of sorrow, and not to be confused with an apology. Unless of course you lead a secret double-life as an axe-wielding murderer and did her in.

4. Next, you need to admit wrongdoing. "I should have known that it was against the law." Or, "I didn't follow the procedures properly." This conveys your recognition of what the transgression was, even if it is only after the fact.

5. The foregoing criteria account for what has already happened. The last two elements of an effective apology are future-oriented. One of these demonstrates that you learned something by saying something like, "It won't happen again." This is useful, though more specificity conveys greater sincerity. "Next time I will double check the address of the house before my demolition company tears it down."

6. And finally, you need to offset the damages. "Can I make it up to you?" These are not necessarily the words to use, lest someone turn you down out of politeness. Instead offer to pay the cleaning bill for the suit that is splattered with your newborn infant's vomit.

An apology is a kind of currency. Sometimes an apology itself, with no other offer of money may be sufficient to right a wrong. We have all heard the disgruntled customer who claimed, “I just wanted them to admit that they made a mistake." When an apology is missed, a lawsuit is sure to follow – a messy affair for all involved.

Since an apology is a kind of exchange, it needs to be accepted. The apologist benefits from feedback, knowing that what was said made a difference.

So the next time you hear a formal apology in the news, see if it meets the test. If one or more elements are lacking, the grievance might continue. And put the formula into practice for your own transgressions. But do not appear to be checking off each element as you go. Sounding scripted takes away from the sincerity of an apology. In informal situations, or when the infraction is slight, a condensed approach will suffice. But don’t trust Erich Segal’s wisdom that “love never means having to say you’re sorry." That phrase was great box office, but poor advice. Sincere apologies demonstrate accountability and build more trusting relationships. Never be sorry to say you are sorry.

Mark Ellwood is the president of Pace Productivity Inc., a consulting firm based in Toronto, Canada that shows employees how to gain three hours per week on their top priority activities.

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